Day 46: Lies

Checking out of the Best Western Plus, I tried to use the ATM to take out cash because I heard the further north I went, the more I’d run into establishments that only accepted cash. The ATM kept giving me an error so I called my bank, who said it must be the ATM because I should be able to take out cash.

I drove to a gas station to fill up and to use the ATM there. I was frustrated when I saw a sign saying their ATM was out of service. Next, I drove to Canadian Tire. I wanted the stick thing that shoots a firework above the bear’s head, but they were out of stock so I bought the bear spray. The day was turning out to be irritating and I hadn’t even left Fort St. John yet.

My GoPro wasn’t charging, which was very disappointing since I bought it for the beautiful drive. I was heading towards Fort Nelson, which was about a four-hour drive. As I listened to music on the empty road, I thought about relationships.

I thought about my ex-husband, Aaron. I thought about all of the lies he told and how it made me feel. When Aaron and I were dating, he was still in college. He is five years younger than me and he was pursuing a degree when we started dating.

We had been married for about nine months when I realized he should be graduating with his bachelor’s degree in a few months, but he hadn’t talked about it at all. I had felt something was off because I never saw him doing homework. When I’d ask, he said he did it while I was at work. He often worked from 3:00 pm to 12:00 am and I worked during the day, so it was possible. When I asked about classmates or what he was learning, he’d tell me. But he never volunteered the information, which seemed strange to me. I would get busy with life and forget about it.

That February night, right before my birthday, is a day I’ll never forget. I asked to see his school schedule and he was surprised. He hesitated and walked to the computer. He explained, “I can’t log on. My mom has the password because she pays for school.” I replied, “Give her a call.” Aaron responded, “But it’s 10:00 at night.” I noticed his hands were shaking and that’s when I knew he wasn’t in school. I insisted he call his mom for the password and then he finally admitted that he wasn’t in school, and hadn’t been for almost two years.

I still remember how I felt: broken-hearted, disrespected, betrayed, and angry. I locked him out of the bedroom and cried myself to sleep. How could my husband, the person who is supposed to be my life partner, betray me so terribly? I felt stupid for not paying attention to the signs. I was embarrassed that he could pull off such a stunt – making up a life for almost two years.

I thought, “Does this mean we should divorce? I can’t trust him. I don’t even know what else he’s lying about. He wouldn’t admit this until I finally asked for proof. I can’t be divorced after less than a year.” I never pictured myself divorced and I worked very hard at being a good wife, so it felt overwhelming to know that this was what had become of my life.

I went to work the next day and Aaron sent me flowers. My coworkers were jealous of the beautiful arrangement and I felt too embarrassed to explain why he sent them. At lunch time, Aaron showed up and we talked. He said he was afraid to tell me he wasn’t in school because he knows I value education. It felt as if he didn’t know me. Yes, I value education, but I also know college isn’t for everyone. What I care about is someone having passion and working towards achieving their dream.

Aaron knew how to influence me. He knew I’d feel guilty – as if it were my fault. He was just trying to please me. It worked and I worried that I pressured him to continue in school. While I was upset that I’d continue being the breadwinner, I didn’t want to be divorced. We stayed together, but never really fixed the issue. Throughout the next seven years, Aaron would lie here and there. It was always about stupid stuff and that worried me because if he lied about small stuff, wouldn’t he lie about big stuff too?

After eight years of marriage, Aaron traveled to Atlanta for work after finally getting promoted at his job. I texted him, realizing it was 1:00 am there and he hadn’t called or texted goodnight. He lied and said he was sleeping. I could see on his “find my iphone” that he was at a bar. Not knowing I could track him, he said he had stepped into the hallway to talk so he wouldn’t wake his roommate.

It was then that I knew my marriage was over. It had been eight years of lies. He knew I was sensitive to lies because of his history, and he never confessed. He would deny it until I had proof. I figured he was likely lying about other things that I couldn’t prove, and I didn’t care to. He tried to make me feel guilty once again, explaining he lied because he was afraid that I’d be disappointed that he was out drinking when he was there for work. It didn’t work this time. I had encouraged him to go out drinking with friends for years. That’s when I realized he was trying to manipulate me.

Being married to a liar was a horrible feeling in my soul. I never wanted to be the person who had to check up on their partner. I never wanted to be the paranoid person that was constantly worried that my husband was being unfaithful. According to my therapist, being married to someone who lies is the same as having a cheating partner. You end up with the same emotion: feeling betrayed.

It was like I had been on a treadmill running as fast as I could. No matter how hard I tried, I was still on a treadmill, going nowhere. It would take me seven more months to ask him to move out of the house, and another six months to file for a divorce. It wasn’t easy and I cried for a year after. But the freedom I felt once he moved out was life-changing. The day after he moved out, it felt like I was off of the treadmill. I broke the cycle and was now in control of my life.

Driving the Alaska highway gives a person a lot of time to think and reflect. As I wound through the mountains and fields, I thought about those lies. I reminded myself that I’m stronger now. I won’t tolerate lies in a relationship again. My heart still aches when I think about the feeling of betrayal. When it comes from a life partner, the person who is supposed to have your back in life, it feels devastating. While I get lonely at times as a solo traveler, I’d take that over being in an unhappy marriage any day.

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Post Edited By: Mandy Strider