Words On A Screen: What words can build, and silence can break

It’s been a long time since I’ve written about any romantic interests. During my year and a half of full-time travels around the world, I often wrote about the people I met – men from dating apps, strangers turned friends, or those fleeting connections that happen over shared adventures. I’ve written about my ex-husband of ten years and the unraveling of that marriage. My blog has fallen behind; I still have pages of notes from National Parks, South America, and Europe waiting to be shaped into posts. But before I catch up on those, I want to share something more current – an unexpected chapter in my love life that began with words on a screen.

The Long Quiet After Divorce

Since my divorce in 2017, I have not referred to any man as my boyfriend. I separated from my husband in 2016, so it has been 9 years of being single. Time goes by so fast that I hadn’t realized just how long I’ve been single until recently. I’ve gone on a few dates over the years, but it never turned into anything.

A few years ago, a pastor at my new church was getting to know me. He looked confused and asked, “Why are you single?” I gave a typical quick answer, thinking I could brush it off and move on to a different topic. I said something like, “It’s hard out there.” He paused and wouldn’t let me slide. He pushed harder, “Yeah, but why are you single?” He looked legitimately confused. I thought about it, but I didn’t have an answer. I stumbled through something like, “It’s hard to date when I travel so much. Nobody asks me out. I can’t find anybody I like who is available.”

I have often thought about that conversation. Maybe people think there’s something wrong with me, and they just haven’t seen it yet. I have a hard time explaining why I’m single because there are many factors.

What I Thought I Wanted (and What I Didn’t)

As I reflect on the last nine years, I can identify distinct phases. During and after my divorce, I had no desire to date. I was heartbroken and trying to heal. I signed up for Coffee Meets Bagel in October 2017 (a year and a half after separating from my ex). I was so nervous for my first date, and I was confused as to why this hot guy was on a date with me. I immediately slipped into “interviewer” mode, as I was a hiring manager at the time, and it came naturally to me. I remember the guy laughed and said, “I can feel your judgment oozing across the table.” I was so nervous and insecure that a hot guy would like me that I completely sabotaged the date. I casually talked to a few guys online for the next year, but didn’t go on any dates.

It’s not that I didn’t like anyone. There were two guys that I really liked (who I knew in real life) and cared for, but neither became anything more than friendship. When I left Los Angeles in 2018, I was full of hope that I would find my person. I have always been a hopeless romantic. Unfortunately, every guy I met from dating apps just wanted to hook up, especially when they found out that I was traveling. I was torn at the time because I had big travel plans, and I didn’t want that disrupted, but I still wanted love, so I tried to meet guys while traveling.

I have written about my dating experiences during that time (you can find a summary of those posts here), so I won’t rehash that. All of those experiences made me close my heart off to romantic possibilities. I am not someone who can handle casual dating. At the advice of many friends, I tried really hard to be casual, but it is not who I am. I either don’t like someone romantically or I fall very hard. There’s really no in between for me. Unfortunately, this is not a conducive way to live in the modern dating world.

Around this time of trying to date casually, I was complaining to a friend about how I couldn’t find anyone, and her husband said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but when guys meet you, they can tell pretty quickly that you’re marriage material. You’re not casual dating material. If they aren’t ready for marriage, they won’t ask you out.” I was so frustrated at that comment because I had been trying to date casually and wasn’t looking to get married. Now (years after that conversation), I’ve accepted that I am not willing to date casually or without any purpose (something others apparently knew way before I did). Dating should have a purpose, an intent, even if it doesn’t end up working out.

From 2020 to 2025, I was occasionally on Hinge and tried Nomad Soulmates. The problem was always the same – my schedule. Other digital nomads were always across the world, and our travel plans didn’t align. I went out with one man in Bozeman, Montana, in 2020, and when he found out that I wasn’t moving there, I could see his face drop. He then proceeded to change the date to a friendship. Local men in Missouri would match with me, but never ask me out. I went on one date with a guy in St. Louis in 2022, and it was not a good experience.

When I traveled to South America and to Europe, I didn’t bother with apps and never met any guys or even talked to anyone in a romantic capacity. I was busy with traveling, writing, managing my Airbnb properties, and so on. I accepted the fact that I was just meant to be single. There were too many heartbreaks with guys I started to like, but then they either weren’t available or never moved forward with asking me out. To protect my heart, I closed myself off. I wasn’t comfortable with my body, so I justified it by saying, “Once I get back into shape, I’ll put in effort to find someone.”

In the back of my mind, I hoped that my person would find me and would pursue me. If it was meant to be, nothing could stop it. Right?

Enter: The Airbnb Guest

Then in April, I had an Airbnb guest, Andy, stay for three nights at my Innsbrook house. He booked the house for 12 guys, and it was a get-together with his brothers and “friends he doesn’t see nearly enough anymore.” I knew it was for a bachelor party, but I didn’t care because all-male groups are my best groups. They don’t have long hair that is left everywhere, don’t wear makeup or spray tans (usually), and don’t use a ton of towels. They’re simple. Plus, they will often repair something if it breaks. 

I sent my usual messages to Andy about the house, check-in details, and check-out instructions. Around 9:00 pm on his last night, he messaged me to tell me that a toilet had flooded, and he was concerned because the water was dripping down through the light/fan in the bathroom below. We messaged back and forth, and he was able to plunge the toilet and clear the water.

For a minute, I thought I would need to go over to the house and see what was going on. I had just gotten back from a 10-day road trip and was tired, but I also thought it might be nice to meet 12 men who appeared to be in their 30s. Andy assured me that everything was clear and there was no damage. He apologized for bothering me, and I thanked him for the heads-up. 

The next day, shortly after check-out, he sent a message asking for a link to leave a review. I let him know that Airbnb would send a link in a few hours. I included the blushy emoji, hoping that he was looking forward to leaving a positive review. Andy responded with, “Ok, perfect. Thank you again, your house was phenomenal for us, and your knowledge and quick response for communication was terrific. Have a great day and a blessed month.” I hearted his message. Then I replied, “Thank you! I appreciate that!” and sent another message: “Safe travels!” He hearted both of my messages. Then he replied with, “You’re welcome and thank you! We’re cruising home, probably 20 minutes away.” I hearted his message. 

This guy was interesting. He seemed very communicative and friendly, much more so than most guests. He wrote his review right away, but I was busy and didn’t write his review for about ten days. Once I wrote my review, I could see what he had written to me. He left a really positive review and followed it with a sweet private note. Andy said that my communication was awesome, and he almost wanted to message me periodically, just because it flowed so well. He said that he noticed in my profile that it says I’m a writer, so he asked where he could find my material.

I was super surprised by his private feedback. All his profile said was that he worked in law enforcement and that the place he wanted to go to the most was Australia. Based on his phone number, I assumed he lived in a rural area about four hours away, and his picture made him appear to be in his 30s. 

Hesitations: Distance, Job, and Reality

When I got his message, my friend Debbie was visiting from CA. We were driving to Branson, and I told her about the message I just received. She was super excited and said he sounded very interested in me, romantically. I was fairly stoic about it all. I had a lot of hesitation because he had only seen my profile picture, a brief description of me, and reviews of me as a host and a guest. Maybe he wouldn’t like me anyway. Plus, he worked in law enforcement.

I was hesitant to date someone in law enforcement because they are often rule followers, and sometimes I don’t agree with the rules that have been established. I worried that he would be too rigid. However, I can also see the appeal in dating someone in law enforcement – a man in uniform with authority, a protector, and it’s an honorable profession. My favorite character in The Walking Dead has always been Rick Grimes, a former sheriff.

I was also concerned because he likely lived four hours away in a rural area, not a place I had ever considered moving to.

Debbie was so excited about the possibility that I had met someone. Since I had given up on dating for the most part for several years, I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

When we got to Branson, we tried to Google his full name, and we laughed our asses off (crying with laughter) at the results. Apparently, his name is extremely common. We were unable to find any information about him, but we did discover others with the same name who were known to be criminals and a time traveler. My friend and I joked about how little we could actually find out—we were basically flying blind, which somehow made it more fun.

I decided on a nickname for him because he sometimes put a period after his name in his Airbnb messages, which made it seem so formal. I started referring to him Andy.(last name). Sometimes it was Andrew.(last name). I said the “dot” because it just sounded funny.

Debbie wanted me to send a bold and flirtatious message back to Andy, but I am not that bold when it comes to matters of the heart. I wasn’t sure if he was just being nice or trying to flirt. Debbie kept saying that she had a good feeling about Andy and that he might be the one. I refused to let myself go there because I couldn’t take another heartache.

The Emails That Lit Me Up

I decided to write back to Andy through Airbnb. I thanked him for his review and told him where he could find my travel writing and about my book (Weathered: Finding Strength on the John Muir Trail). I was expecting him to just say something like, “Cool, I’ll check it out.”

A couple of days later, Andy told me that he bought my book and subscribed to my blog. He said he did some reading about me and that he subscribed to my blog so he “could keep tabs” on me. That made me feel really special, and my heart fluttered. I often feel overlooked and not pursued. I’m usually the friend and not the girlfriend. He was bold in telling me that he wanted to keep tabs on me and followed it up with a blushy emoji. People buy my book and often tell me that they’re looking forward to my next book. People follow my blog and say they’re waiting for the next post. But nobody has told me that they read up on me and that I’ve done some amazing things. Nobody has told me that they are subscribing so they can keep tabs on me. It made me feel seen and worthy of being someone to keep tabs on.

I sent Andy an email to move things off of Airbnb. I thanked him for buying my book and for subscribing to my blog. The email was fairly short, and I asked why he was always awake at 5:00 a.m. when he sent his messages.

A few days later, Andy replied to my email. I was surprised by how friendly he was and how much he wrote. He told me that he was up at 5:00 a.m. because he has the least amount of seniority at his job, and he works the night shift. He explained that he used to be a long-haul truck driver and had been to every state except for Washington and Maine. After “a long road with some curves and life speed bumps,” he was able to chase his dream job of working in law enforcement. Andy also said that in his little free time, he likes to ride his motorcycle.

I had told Andy that I was going to Mexico in June with my sister and some friends, and he followed that up by asking questions about where in Mexico and how he’s been to Cancun. He ended his email with, “Looking forward to hearing back from you when you’ve had your morning coffee and are awake at a normal hour. Have a great day and week.”

I was so shocked by his email. He was a great communicator – thorough, addressing everything in my email, asking me more questions, and sharing information about himself. If you haven’t experienced the modern dating world, let me tell you what it’s like. Men will barely fill out their profiles on dating apps. When you match with a man, odds are that he’ll never message. If he does, it’s either to ask about “coming over,” or it’s something like, “hey, how was your weekend?”

There is no follow-up, no depth, and no pursuing. I have no idea how some women are going on dates with multiple men in a single week. I go on a date once every few years. I refuse to initiate and to pursue a man because of my past experience with my ex-husband (where I had to take all the initiative). If a man doesn’t start the conversation or ask me out, it literally goes nowhere. I’m not saying this to bash men; I’m sure women are doing the same things with limited communication and investment. I’m not dating women, so I don’t have personal experience to speak about that. However, in general, the modern dating world is often disappointing. There are tons of articles talking about how we’re in a crisis of singleness, partly because of our technological world and dating apps (making people think there will be someone better down the road).

Having a man communicate so well (and with great grammar) was shocking to me. He seemed so positive and upbeat, and that made me feel upbeat. Andy seemed to have a lot going for him and appeared to be a genuinely good guy.

I wrote back to him about 10 days later. I was swamped preparing for the summer rush with my rentals. I was also a little bit afraid. I had a good feeling about Andy, but I was really terrified about falling for someone who might leave another scar on my heart.

A week after my email, Andy replied. He had a busy week because his brother got married and he was the Best Man. He told me about a speech he had given and how he received a lot of compliments on it. I wasn’t surprised that he gave a great speech because he was a great communicator.

In my previous email, I mentioned that I was considering buying a motorcycle so I could ride with my dad. He told me more about his motorcycle experience and the bikes he’s had over the last ten years. He said, “Feel free to come for a ride. :)”. In a later email, he said he’d be “all in” if I wanted to ride on the back of his bike and that he’d be honored to have me on the back. I felt honored that he wanted me to ride on the back of his bike.

Through email, I found out that Andy was 35, but looked younger. He grew up in the Midwest, and in 2017-18, he was attending school to earn a 4-year degree, but after a medical diagnosis, he had to drop out. He faced a serious health challenge and spoke about it with a kind of hard-won optimism. Going through that really put a wrench in his plans. He has been pursuing his dream job for the last two years and has been working six days a week to secure a position in a department he really wanted. Even though Andy had some terrible things happen to him, he seemed to always find the positive side to things. I found that really refreshing.

It took me just over two weeks to respond to Andy’s email because I wanted to sit down and give a proper reply. I was also exhausted each day from doing repairs, deep cleaning, hiring a new cleaner, and putting together new furniture. I was also unsure about pursuing a romantic connection because of fear. I responded to the points in his email, informed him about my upcoming trip to Mexico, which I was leaving for in a couple of days, and gave him my phone number. I asked him not to text me from midnight until 8 a.m. because it would wake me up.

Mexico, Myers-Briggs, and Butterflies

Two days later, Andy responded to my email, starting it with, “Happy Tuesday and Vacation week!!!!!!!!!!!” His email made me smile. Andy was super engaging, upbeat, and his email was well-written. He ended it by saying he will definitely text me, but after my vacation week, so I could fully relax and enjoy it. He gave me his phone number so I’d know it wasn’t spam when I got a text from him. He said he would try to respect my “no fly zone” from 12-8 a.m. Andy was really funny, and I laughed out loud when he called it the no-fly zone.

I had an early morning flight to Mexico with a layover in Texas. I was going to the resort for a week, and the other girls were only going for 4 nights. They wouldn’t arrive until the following day. I was so excited to be at an all-inclusive resort. My typical travels are adventurous and more budget-friendly. This was the first “vacation” in years. I wouldn’t have to research where to go, what to do, or take notes. I was just going to relax and soak up the sun. After dinner, I was alone at the resort and decided to email Andy back.

The next day, I texted him a picture of the resort. Later that evening, he replied to my email. Our emails were becoming increasingly longer. We are both thorough, and it felt like we were on the same page and giving the same energy. He said, “Getting that text from you was the highlight of my day, terrific picture. Only thing to make that picture better, would be to have you in it :).”

I would get butterflies in my stomach when I read Andy’s emails. On dating apps, I had a really hard time texting men that I didn’t know. I couldn’t be flirty with someone I hadn’t met yet. What if they weren’t who they said they were? What if we didn’t really like each other in person? I hate the pressure that we’re “supposed” to like each other because it was a dating app. With Andy, it felt safe to message him because he was verified by Airbnb, and he was in law enforcement. I also knew he existed because he stayed at my house. He had just the right amount of flirting – It wasn’t creepy or forced. It flowed and was subtle. It also wasn’t just flirting. So often on dating apps, men don’t have substance, just flirting (which is so weird to me).

This was so refreshing because we didn’t meet on a dating app, so there wasn’t pressure. It felt natural to text and email Andy. There wasn’t a protocol for how this was supposed to go – it was uncharted territory because of how we met.

Andy told me, “Bravo on the quick response with the email, I got off work early last night and proceeded to sleep 13 hours. I will do a better job responding quicker next time.” Andy sent that email around 28 hours after I sent mine, so I was surprised that he was apologizing for his late reply. It felt so nice to feel like there weren’t games. So often, there are games where people purposely take longer to respond so as not to seem too eager. It felt like Andy was himself and wasn’t playing games. I loved that I didn’t feel like I needed to purposely wait to respond. I felt like I could text or email, and he would actually appreciate it and wouldn’t take it as me being desperate.

The next day, I texted Andy and asked what his Myers-Briggs personality type was. I had brought a book with me to Mexico that offered humorous insights into each personality type. I would read portions to the girls while we were at the pool and at dinner. Andy wasn’t familiar with the Myers-Briggs, but asked, “Is that something I need to look into and get back to you?” I sent him the link to take the test, and 20 minutes later, he texted back asking, “Do you want an email with the results or screenshots?” I told him I just needed to know the four letters that showed his type.

I love that Andy understood the assignment and asked if he needed to look into it; then, he actually took the test. I am very familiar with this personality test, and it’s really helped me over the years to understand myself and those around me. I brought the book to Mexico because I was just meeting my sister’s friends, and I thought it would be a fun way to get to know them.

As I was waiting for a reply from Andy, I thought to myself, “I bet he is the same type as me”. A long time ago, I recall reading that I am highly compatible with individuals of the same personality type. Many types are not compatible with their same type, but I remember telling myself that I needed to find my same type. Unfortunately, it’s a rare type and even more rare to find in a man. I’ve never met a male who shares the same personality type as me (not that I know of, anyway). Just then, Andy texted the four letters, and they are the same as mine! I knew it! Based on his communication and how we seemed to be mirroring each other, I just knew he had to be the same type.

Over the next week, while I was in Mexico, Andy and I texted almost every day. I hadn’t spoken to him on the phone, and I only had one small picture of him. He was cute, but I was still afraid that one or both of us wouldn’t be attracted to each other in person. Chemistry is so hard to know until you meet in person. I was trying hard to pace myself and not to fall for him, but it was getting harder and harder.

The conversation through text and email flowed so well that it felt like I had met him. It felt like we knew each other, and I looked forward to getting to know him better. One night, I was texting him while at a bar, and earlier, we had shots on a boat. Andy said he was impressed that I could hold a conversation with perfect grammar while taking shots. I laughed and told him that incorrect grammar is my pet peeve (but I am prone to typos). He texted back, saying, “But I’m usually the grammar police.” He told me that he would let me slide on any poor grammar that night, and I thanked him for his leniency.

A week later, I was talking to my friend, Debbie, about Andy, and she said, “You are two peas in a pod.” That was just it, we were similar in many ways that I haven’t experienced with someone before. However, we were also different in many ways that still made it interesting to get to know him.

While in Mexico, I replied to Andy’s email, and on my second-to-last night, he responded with an even longer email. He started his email with, “It’s currently in the no-fly zone where I’m at, but this email is going anyway (Hopefully you won’t hold it against me).” I felt like we were on the same page – we were both really enjoying getting to know each other and just wanted to keep messaging.

On the last day of my trip, I finally sent him a selfie that I took at the resort. I was so happy being in a bubble, and I was afraid that maybe he wouldn’t be interested in me, as I had gained some weight. He texted back that it was a great photo. I didn’t ask him for a picture because many men don’t take good photos, and I didn’t want a bad picture to interfere with getting to know him. I did find out that he is 6’4”, which was actually really nice to hear, as I’ve never dated someone that tall before, and I’m 6’1”.

Leaving Mexico, I had a three-hour flight to Texas, so I took the opportunity to write a lengthy email reply to Andy. He said he enjoys discovering all the details about people, and I felt at ease, so I wrote a lot. I sent the email and sent a quick text during my layover. I didn’t have much time on my layover after going through customs, and I let him know that. The night before, he said he’d text me during my layover. I didn’t hear from him until the following day, when I was back in Missouri. I felt worried because it was just after I sent him my picture. I worried that maybe he wasn’t physically attracted to me.

Once I was back in Missouri, he sent a text saying he was busy the day before. We texted a little for a few days, and then I didn’t hear anything for three days. I felt sad that I wasn’t hearing from him, and his messaging slowed down. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter because he lived four hours away and it likely wouldn’t work anyway. I am also ten years older than him. I realized that I had really started to like him, and I was uncomfortable with that. I was leaving myself open to getting hurt again.

From Texts to “Maybe We Should Meet”

The girls who went to Mexico kept saying that Andy and I needed to meet halfway for a quick lunch to see if there was attraction and chemistry. That didn’t seem like enough time to see him in person, so I never mentioned it.

I have watched the show ‘Love Is Blind,’ and I really like it because people talk to each other behind walls for 10 days. They spend hours talking to each other without seeing each other, allowing them to build a relationship based on who they are. I used to say, “I could never go on this show because physical attraction is an important part of a romantic relationship.” Yet, I would see some couples really fall in love and get married (and several are still married). Messaging with Andy made me realize how people can truly fall for someone on the show. I only had words on a screen, but I had real feelings for him.

A week after returning to Missouri, the girls from Mexico wanted to go out and continue our fun times, so we went to a bar with live music. I looked around at the guys there and wasn’t interested in any of them. I was so tired of trying to meet guys on apps or at a bar. There is never any substance there. With Andy, it felt so different. It felt like something real and meaningful.

I sent Andy a text message that night since I hadn’t heard from him in a few days. He texted back asking why I was up so late, and I sent a picture of myself with the girls. He texted me a picture of himself from his brother’s wedding. I ended up staying out until 2:00 am because we met these nice kids who had just come from a wedding. When I got home, I texted Andy, and we ended up texting for a couple of hours. I was slap-happy and telling him stories from run-ins with cops in my life. He said he wasn’t judging me, but he was getting a kick out of hearing about it all.

I felt so comfortable texting him and felt like things were back on track. From that moment on, we texted every day. We would check how our days were going and ask questions, getting to know each other. Sometimes, an answer would be too much to text, so Andy would say things like, “I’ll have to tell you when I get you on the phone.” Or “I’ll make this smoothie for you when I see you.” The thing is, he never called me or made a plan to see me.

I wasn’t too worried about it, because it felt like things were unfolding naturally, and when the time was right, we’d talk on the phone or find a time to meet in person. I was ok with the bubble that we were in.

I found myself feeling more excited about life, more inspired to write, and feeling hopeful. My sister said, “I haven’t seen you this excited about someone in a long time.” I felt like Andy brought out the best in me. I’m usually the person who pumps up a partner to bring out their best. This was the first time that it felt balanced. It felt like we could be king and queen, both being our best selves.

As the next three weeks went on, Andy would text good morning and good night. Our schedules were opposite, so he was going to bed as I was waking up. Sometimes I would be up late, so we would message then. He was smart, funny, kind, and an excellent communicator. Andy was a hard worker and protective of his family. He was outgoing and seemed to connect with people easily. He told me that he could often diffuse tense situations by using his words, and I could see how that would be possible.

One night, I was getting ready for bed around 1:30 a.m., when Andy said he wanted me to get some sleep so he would stop texting. When I told him I didn’t mind a little less sleep if it was because of him, he replied, saying it was nice of me to say. He texted a couple more times and said, “I low key feel bad that I keep texting you, but it’s so hard not to.”

I was on cloud 9! I hadn’t had a man make me feel so special in many years. I loved that Andy wanted to keep texting me. I loved that I wanted to keep texting him. I loved that we weren’t playing games and weren’t afraid to show that we cared about each other.

At one point, I was messaging with Andy just before I fell asleep. I had a dream that he was messaging my sister behind my back. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and felt a sense of panic. All of the feelings of betrayal that I experienced with my ex-husband came flooding back. I was so afraid that my gut was trying to warn me that this was too good to be true. I decided to message Andy and told him that I woke up because of the dream. I thought to myself, “Christy, he is going to think you’re crazy. You’re not even officially dating, and you’re having a dream that he’s cheating on you. And then you tell him that in the middle of the night?!” Then I told myself that this is who I am, and if he doesn’t like it, then we’re not meant to be together.

Andy was incredibly sweet. He never made me feel embarrassed. He reassured me, telling me that he would never do that to me. He said it was just my past resurfacing, and it spiraled from there. He said he was actually glad I was awake so we could text each other. We texted for over an hour, and then I went back to sleep. I felt that Andy was a genuinely kind human being, and I appreciated how he made me feel okay about sharing my dream.

Even though Andy was kind, I liked that he wasn’t weak. He told me how he’s respectful and was nice when he first started in law enforcement, but then people took advantage, and “he’s not a pushover,” so he changed his approach. I found it sexy that Andy had a balance. I also found it sexy that he helped me with questions to ask when I was buying a motorcycle. I liked his leadership abilities.

For the 4th of July, I sent Andy videos of the fireworks because he had to work and it’s his favorite holiday. I wanted him to be there with me virtually.

I hadn’t fully thought through how a real relationship would work, considering we didn’t live in the same state. I was planning to attend a conference in Florida in August, and after that, I intended to spend a few months abroad. It seemed like something could work with Andy because he was also extremely busy with work. But we still made sure to find time to text and email. If I went abroad, maybe my time zone would actually make it easier to talk with him since he was awake at night. I guess in the back of my head, I just thought that if it were meant to be, we would find a way to work things out.

I hadn’t gotten this far in any romantic relationship since my divorce because as soon as men realized that I travel a lot, they disappeared. They were never interested in anything long-distance. Andy seemed to be okay with it. I’ve always felt that finding the right person for me would be difficult, and they might live in a different country, so I have been okay with having to think outside the box to make something work, and I’m not opposed to a compromise for the right person.

I really liked that Andy and I seemed to have the same values, but also had differences. He drinks Bud Light, and I told him that I prefer craft beer from local breweries. He told me that I was a fancy girl, and I agreed with him. I can be fancy. I liked that he was different than me because we had things to explore and discover in each of our worlds. Andy didn’t seem to think I was weird. We actually matched each other’s weirdness.

One night, Andy said, “If I knew you weren’t tired, I would have called you.” I didn’t think he was free to talk on the phone, so we still hadn’t actually heard each other’s voices. Well, he might have heard my voice on podcasts, but I hadn’t heard his voice.

The Invite—and the Letdown

In mid-July, the Innsbrook house was available for almost a full week. That’s very unusual because July is my busiest month. Andy had asked two weeks earlier when the house would be available next (with the intention of him coming down so we could play pool, corn hole, and enjoy the hot tub). I told him that the week was empty, but I was hoping to get it booked, so I didn’t want to block the calendar.

Then, that Saturday in mid-July arrived, and the guest would be leaving the next day, on Sunday. The week was still available. Andy messaged me on Saturday morning and mentioned that he would be off for the next three nights. He was usually only off one night each week, so I had a feeling he didn’t volunteer for extra shifts in case the house was still open. I told him that I was thinking about staying there for the week, and he said I should because it’s such a beautiful house.

Shortly after, he went to sleep, and I had an appointment to get to. I thought about it all day and decided to invite him down so we could meet in person. The house has five bedrooms, and I figured that worst-case scenario, if we didn’t hit it off, he’d have his own room, and it would only be one and a half days. We could at least be friends. I have stayed in hostels and Airbnbs with strangers, so it wasn’t a big deal to me. I really wanted to meet him before I left town. If we were going to continue talking, we should establish if we actually have chemistry.

When Andy messaged me that evening, I told him that he was welcome to come stay on his days off. He said, “Very tempting. I actually googled Innsbrook this morning before I went to bed to check how far the drive would be lol.” I told him that a 4-hour drive was nothing. He said he’d driven farther for less and not to threaten him with a good time. I told him that he’d been threatened. He responded, saying he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night, and asked how soon he could come down the next day. I had butterflies in my stomach.

I didn’t reply for a few hours because I was out to dinner with my sister and a friend, and I had driven into St. Louis, so I couldn’t text. When I got home, I apologized for my delay and told him that he could come down at 5 p.m. because I needed to get some things done, and the cleaner needed to clean some. He didn’t text back, not even to say goodnight. I had a bad feeling that he was changing his mind.

At 7 a.m. the next morning, he texted me saying that he wasn’t going to come down because he had to work Tuesday night, so it would be a quick turnaround for him. He said, “Sorry if that’s not the answer you were hoping to receive.” When I responded with a sad face, he said it would be too hard to leave me after only a day. I explained that it would be longer, and he said, “Let’s not rush it,” adding that we could develop a better game plan later.

I was crushed. I stayed in bed and cried. I felt so rejected and unworthy. I felt unworthy of a 4-hour drive when he had just said he’d driven farther for less. I was left confused. I didn’t know what changed, but the feeling in my heart was that I was only worth texting. Friends told me that it’s easy to message someone because it requires no effort. But when it became real, when he had to make a real effort, he bailed. I felt devastated because maybe they were right all along. Maybe Andy never made plans with me or called me because he didn’t actually want anything real with me. I didn’t believe that before because texting does take effort. Now I just felt rejected.

I didn’t reply right away because I was sobbing and was way too emotional (I had also just started my period). Just a couple of days before, Andy had replied to my lengthy email, which I had sent weeks earlier on my way back from Mexico. In it, he said, “It’s been incredible learning about you so far,” and “speaking to you daily might be my favorite.”

I was so confused. It was a Saturday night, and perhaps he had gone out and met someone else. Maybe he realized he didn’t want anything long-distance. I don’t know what changed that night, and I couldn’t comprehend how he could go from being too excited to sleep to not coming down at all. Looking back, I wish I had just blocked those dates sooner, so we could have planned for that time with more notice.

At noon, I replied and told him that I was really confused and that my heart was hurt that he didn’t feel I was worth it. We had both agreed days before that the saying, “if they wanted to, they would” is true. We are both firm believers that people make time for those they truly want to spend time with. When you stop putting in all the effort, you’ll see if the relationship falls apart. If it does, it’s because you’re the one putting in all the effort.

Andy didn’t respond until 9 p.m., and he said that he was mentally exhausted and needed time to rest and recover. He didn’t think he’d be his best self. He apologized for getting my hopes up and said that he wasn’t going to make a bunch of excuses.

Andy’s response made me feel even worse. It seemed like he was a different person. He seemed totally okay with things ending if I couldn’t move past this. During my separation from my husband in 2016, he never fought for me. He didn’t fight to keep the marriage. It was eye-opening. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t fight to keep it. Relationships take work, and if someone is willing to just walk away instead of working things out, that is not something I want to be involved with.

The thing was, I understood why he might want to cancel because it had all been planned at the very last minute. It was a weird way to meet someone. I could also understand why he was exhausted. What I was having a hard time understanding was his responses. He seemed cold and indifferent. I started to worry that maybe I idealized him in my head (which I tend to do). Maybe he wasn’t the person that I thought he was.

Trying to Understand the Silence

I wrote him a super-long email expressing how I felt. I was aware that it might come across as “too much” considering we were only in the “talking” phase, but I have spent too much of my life trying to abide by social norms. I wanted to express my feelings about him and try to gain some clarity on our current standing. I needed to know if we were on the same page regarding what we wanted.

I sent the email on Monday evening and followed up with a text to let him know I had sent an email. He didn’t text back until two days later, saying he would read the email and would send a response.

It was almost two weeks later that he responded to my email. I didn’t hear from him at all during that time. He explained that he’s just been winging things. He hasn’t tried to have a serious relationship for a few years, as he has been so focused on getting his dream job, which he was close to achieving. He said his thought process has been that love will have to wait. Andy said he still wanted to get to know me and that it was refreshing to message with someone who was putting off the same vibes he was trying to convey.

I wrote back a couple of days later, letting him know that I understood his situation. I was also unsure what I wanted, but I wanted to keep getting to know him. I wanted to move past this mis-hap and continue where we left off.

Then, another nine days passed, and I didn’t hear anything back via email or text. During those weeks, I tried to be patient and understanding. I know that his job is demanding, and there must be days that would be extremely hard for anyone. They are dealing with criminals all day and sometimes with death. I can’t imagine the toll that job takes on someone. In the current state of our world, the stress must be extremely high.

Florida, One Phone Call, No Closure

Once I landed in Florida and hadn’t heard back from him in 9 days, I sent a text asking what was going on. I explained that I was confused and deeply hurt because he pursued me and then disappeared. I asked if he wanted to keep exploring the connection. I needed to know so I could move on one way or the other. He responded and apologized for being distant. He said he had been dealing with his own stuff and almost had it worked out.

His message was so vague, and I needed to know where I stood. I pointed out that he had once told me he was an open book and would tell me anything I wanted to know. I asked what was going on and if he was married.

Andy replied, saying he had been in the crapper because he didn’t get the job he was trying to get, so he was pursuing another avenue. He also injured his back on the job and was in pain as a result. He assured me that he still wanted to keep getting to know me, and he wasn’t married.

I felt really bad that he didn’t get that job because I knew he was working very hard for it. I tried to move forward and change the conversation to go back to how it was before. I told him that I was in Florida and sent a picture. We briefly texted, but he was at work, so he didn’t reply until 5:00 a.m. I happened to wake up just before he sent the text and couldn’t go back to sleep. We texted for two hours. I tried to be flirty to turn things back around. At times, he flirted back.

We discussed his night schedule, and I explained that nights are very challenging, and when my ex worked nights, I often felt lonely. He said he hoped not to make me feel lonely.

Then, instead of being flirty back, he told me that maybe I would meet a man at the conference who could satisfy all my needs and checks all my boxes.

My heart broke.

I said, “So you want me to meet a man here?” He said, “Sometimes when you’re not looking, you find your person.”

I told him that I agreed with that, but I was confused. I was too embarrassed to tell him that I was hoping he was my person, whom I found when I wasn’t looking.

I felt like we were on two different pages, and our fantastic communication turned into miscommunication. Before, we clicked so well. I felt like he really liked me and that we had something special and unique. Now, he was telling me that maybe I would meet a man in Florida.

When I said I was confused, Andy said, “Well, I’m obviously not meeting your needs.” My attempt to be flirty with him backfired, and he took it as me saying he wasn’t meeting my needs. I asked Andy if he thought my expectations were too high, and he said he did not, but wasn’t sure if he checked all of my boxes. I asked what boxes he thinks he doesn’t check, and he said his work schedule. I explained that it wasn’t ideal, but it was fine for now. He said that was all he could think of.

I was so frustrated because this is not the first time that a man has told me that they don’t feel like they live up to my standards, or that they can make me happy. I know that I have high standards for a romantic partner. I also struggle with being vulnerable and expressing my genuine care to someone. They always seem to take it as if I think they’re not meeting my standards. In reality, I cared very deeply for Andy, and I wanted things to work out.

It’s frustrating when someone assumes things about you. My first boyfriend ended things when I asked him to stop smoking weed, or I would be done. We got back together the next year, and he said he ended it because he knew he was going down a bad path, and he didn’t want to pull me down with him. He said, “I knew that you wouldn’t give up on me and I’d end up pulling you into my downward spiral.” On one hand, I thought that was sweet that he cared enough to protect me, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that it’s a cop-out. The reality is that it made him feel better about discarding me. He wasn’t “doing it for my own good.” He was doing it because he didn’t want to be a better man. He wanted to go down into his spiral without me trying to stop him. He took away my choice in being with him.

I felt like this was happening with Andy. He decided that his schedule wasn’t good enough. He decided, for whatever reason, that he didn’t check all my boxes. I never said he didn’t check any boxes. I liked him a lot. I enjoyed getting to know him and learning about his life experiences. This is one reason I don’t like telling men what I’m looking for – they often assume they don’t fit the bill and disappear, but I am not that rigid. Or, they pretend to be the person I’m looking for (like when my ex-husband pretended to be in school for two years).

We texted a bit more, and then he went to sleep. I went to the conference. We briefly texted later in the day. The following day, I picked up a rental car and drove an hour and a half to my aunt’s house to visit with her and her husband. I texted Andy that I would be available for a phone call if he wanted one. He didn’t reply. The next day, I again texted that I would be driving for two hours and could talk on the phone. I really wanted to have at least one phone call with him.

He texted back that he had slept late and only had 20 minutes to spare while driving to work, and would be eating some food on the way. I said that was fine. For the first time, we talked on the phone for 20 minutes.

I was driving, and he was leaving McDonald’s. It was hectic because he ran into his neighbor, whom he talked to, and then I drove over a rubber piece on the highway. I was nervous because I was hearing his voice for the first time. Andy seemed distracted and frustrated. When he was finishing talking to his neighbor, he said something like, “I’m busy 24/7 and people don’t seem to understand that.” I felt like that was a dig at me.

The Andy through email and text was kind, funny, quick-witted, smart, and full of positivity. He never seemed annoyed or too busy to write to me. In fact, he seemed excited to be messaging with me. The Andy on the phone was very different. He did not seem like he wanted to be talking with me. I know I was a little off, too, because I was nervous and a little distracted as well.

He warned me that he would lose cell reception when he got close to work and that he’d hang up on me when that happened because he didn’t want to sit in silence for five minutes. Sure enough, a few minutes later, he hung up. I was in the middle of discussing how there are numerous speed traps in Missouri, which is annoying. It felt a little intentional that he hung up or lost service at that moment.

About 30 minutes later, I arrived at my hotel. I texted Andy a few videos of the ocean and my hotel room. He didn’t respond, but I figured he was busy at work. Later that night, I sent a video of some live music at an outdoor restaurant where I was. I said, “Sending you good vibes.”

I never heard back from him.

What Ghosting Does to a Heart

I silenced Andy’s text thread when I went to bed because we had recently discussed how it was hard for him to avoid texting at night when he was awake, as he wanted to respect my ‘no-fly zone’. In my last email to him, I mentioned that I could silence just his text thread at night, so he wouldn’t have to worry about it. I silenced his thread that night so he could text a reply, and it wouldn’t wake me up.

But when I woke up, there was no reply. Not even an emoji reaction. I felt the pain in my heart because I knew it was intentional. I knew in my gut that I wouldn’t be hearing from him. Andy once told me that he had worked hard on being a great communicator because he feels it’s a matter of respect. Does this mean he has no respect for me?

I looked like a fool, sending him multiple videos and sending him good vibes. This was right after our first and only phone call. To completely ghost and ignore someone after your first phone call is cruel. It is not kind, and I really, truly believed he was a kind person. I did not think he was capable of doing such a thing. We connected on social media a week before all this happened, and he appears to be the good person he portrayed to me.

When I woke up in the middle of the night from the dream that he was texting my sister behind my back, I almost told him, “Whatever happens, please don’t ghost me. Just tell me if you’re no longer interested.” I never told him that because I thought, “He wouldn’t do that to me. He’s not like that.” I tried really hard to vet him. I wasn’t willing to fall for someone who is capable of ghosting, cheating, or lying. I thought I was in the clear and that even if things didn’t work out, it wouldn’t involve betrayal or ghosting.

Having him ghost me has been one of the most painful things that I’ve experienced. Maybe it’s because it was the first time in many years that I let myself feel something for a man. Given his line of work, a part of me worried something had happened to him. The not-knowing is its own kind of ache. I don’t know what I said or did that warranted being ghosted.

I have been ghosted before, but it was always guys with whom I hadn’t talked with too much. Those were still painful, but it was easier to move on from them since I didn’t know them very well. I’ve also been ghosted by a few close male friends, which hurt like hell, but I am certain it’s because their wives/girlfriends made them cut off contact. Even though we were just friends, it hurt each time it happened.

Ghosting is an extremely toxic behavior. I am so sick and tired of our society making it seem like ghosting is normal. It is not. I’ve been told by friends, “Be thankful you found out he’s that sort of person and he doesn’t deserve you, before you spend more time investing in him.” I will never be grateful for being ghosted.

We need to stop normalizing this behavior. It is so toxic because it leaves the person second-guessing themselves, wondering what they did wrong. It impacts their self-esteem, making them feel unworthy of even a text message. At least with a regular break-up, you can usually see it coming.

People who ghost will try to say, “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, so I thought it best to just ghost.” That is the most illogical argument I’ve ever heard, because it hurts their feelings far more than honesty. The truth is that they didn’t want to feel bad, so they prioritized their own feelings over those of the other person. Their inability to handle any conflict (real or perceived) is why they ghost.

Ghosting is a huge reason that I have avoided dating for years. People can do it without consequences and leave a path of destruction for others, making it even harder for us to trust anyone in the future.

Situationships Aren’t for Me

It’s been eight weeks since I heard from Andy. I don’t think he’s a bad guy. I kept thinking, “He’s going through something, and he’ll reach out soon.” I’ve cycled through every possibility, but I’m accepting that no response is still a response.

Each day that has gone by, I feel like more of a fool. I feel like a fool for talking about him with my family. I haven’t bothered telling my family (other than my sister) about a guy since my husband. I actually spoke to my family about Andy. My family even said, “Maybe Christy will actually have a wedding date for Matthew’s wedding in December.” That’s just it, Andy always talked about the future. He’d say things like, “Give me until January to get an iPhone.”

Discussing the future made me feel like he was committed to the long term, or at least the possibility of it. I let myself get my hopes up. I let myself envision a future with him. I let myself idealize him. I let myself get crushed. I am mad at myself for being vulnerable and letting him in.

My dad and I just finished a month-long motorcycle trip around Lake Superior and into Canada. As we were planning for the trip a couple of months ago, my dad asked, “Are we stopping in to see Andy?” Of course, at that time, I thought it would be great to visit Andy in his hometown, since we planned to drive north. Instead, since he had ghosted me, we stayed the night at an hour’s drive away from where Andy lives.

Ever since this happened, my social media feed has been full of relationship advice and relationship woes. The algorithms always know. People often discuss how they’re burned out on modern dating – how they get stuck in situationships. This is where you’re basically in a relationship without officially being in one, meaning one person can bail at a moment’s notice or find someone else, because “we weren’t exclusive.” I recently saw an Instagram video where a girl talked about how challenging it is to be in a relationship that wasn’t technically a relationship.

I am not made for modern dating. I am not someone who dates multiple people at once. I do not fall for people easily, but once I do, I want the fairytale. I expect to be loved and cherished. I expect kindness and respect. I expect a lot because I give a lot. I expect a lot because a romantic partner is a life partner, and that matters. It is someone with whom I would build a life. That person can impact your life more than anyone else around you.

I know Andy said he wasn’t looking for anything serious for a few years because he was focused on his job. I understand that, and chasing a dream is important. However, even at the conference I attended, they presented a study that showed “Quality relationships are the biggest predictor of long-term happiness, success and health…more than IQ, wealth, or fame.” It showed that “Strong, positive relationships fuel: Longevity, Mental Health, Higher Income Potential, Leadership success, Purpose and fulfillment.
Poor relationships or isolation: Early Death, Mental Illness, Career Stagnation, Financial Stress”

Healthy, happy relationships actually help your career. Avoiding relationships can actually hurt your career progression. While I want a hard worker and someone who has passions, I do not want to take a backseat to a job.

I felt so hurt by Andy because I felt pursued by him – the first time I have felt that since my divorce. I felt seen and desired for who I am. I invested more time and energy into messaging and emailing him than I have into any man in more than nine years. There isn’t a single man with whom I was messaging who would say ‘Good Morning’ and ‘Good Night.’ I haven’t had anybody check in on me. I felt comfortable and safe with Andy.

I didn’t realize how much of a dopamine hit I was getting from receiving Andy’s messages. I felt so alive. I felt inspired. I felt motivated to go to the gym. One friend said I was glowing. Then it was all ripped away without warning. I was going through dopamine withdrawal.

When Andy decided not to come down, and then I didn’t hear from him for almost two weeks, I felt the scars being engraved on my heart. I felt the pain, the loss, and the sadness to such a degree that I would cry if someone asked about him. It was so stupid – I didn’t even meet him in person. I hadn’t even talked to him on the phone at that point.

In the email I sent to Andy while flying back from Mexico, I ended it saying, “I hope I didn’t scare you away.” He replied to that email a couple of days before canceling his visit to see me, ending his email with, “It’s going to be pretty unlikely that you’ll be able to scare me away :)”.

I have been left so confused that we could go from that to being ghosted. Friends try to tell me that it’s not me, it’s him. Maybe he has an avoidant attachment style. Maybe he met someone else. It doesn’t change the hurt that I feel. If he had no intention of wanting a relationship, I wish he had never pursued me and left me in peace. I wish he had made it clear from the beginning that he didn’t want anything and wasn’t willing to put in the effort. Instead, I’ve been left questioning my own judgment. Did I make it all up in my head?

Andy and I never discussed our past relationships, but I got the impression that he has experienced some major heartbreaks. There are so many conversations that I never got to have – so many topics that I saved for an in-person conversation or a phone call. I hate that there are so many things left unsaid. Maybe I never knew him at all. Maybe I got caught up in the potential of him. If we actually spent time together, maybe I’d realize I didn’t like him after all. Maybe he wouldn’t like me after all. I just wish we had the chance to know that.

What I Want (Finally Saying It Out Loud)

Going through this has really shown me that I absolutely need intelligence in a man. I found myself attracted to Andy so much by his intelligence and words. I recall a few years ago, when a male friend and I were discussing relationships. He said, “So you’ve fallen in love with guys you never dated? Guys that you never even kissed?” I had never thought of it that way before, but it is indeed true. There are several guys that I fell for that I never officially dated and never had a physical relationship with. Emotional connections are so much more powerful. I knew they cared for me too, but they never got the courage to ask me out, until it was too late.

For years, I had been telling people that I didn’t know what I wanted (relationship-wise). All of this has made me realize that I do know what I want. I have just been too afraid to verbalize it. The world makes it seem like we should all be dating multiple people casually and keeping our options open. F- that. I am not a casual person. I live my life with intention.

I don’t have a specific idea of what my person looks like, or what they do for a living, or where they live. But I know the qualities that I want in a man. I know that I want a man to pursue me because I know that a man who wants you will make it clear, and a man who doesn’t want you will leave you confused. I have recently heard that men initiate and women reciprocate. I believe this and need a man who takes the initiative.

I miss the simple things about being in a relationship very much. I miss someone holding my hand. It has been so long since I’ve even kissed someone. I miss human touch and being desired in a healthy way.

I know that people make time for people that matter to them – there is no such thing as being too busy for someone you want to build a life with. I need someone who is emotionally mature and can communicate their intentions.

I know these things don’t happen overnight, and there is a natural timing to relationships, but this whole “be in the talking stage for weeks, then a situationship for months, then dating, and then after a year you can be exclusive” is tearing modern dating apart. It is not good for men or women.

The couples that I admire always say they knew very quickly that it was their person. They didn’t need years to determine it. I’ve heard men say, “I knew in the first week that this was the person whom I wanted to build a life with.” And then they pursued to make it happen. I know this world will tell me that it’s a fantasy to wait for this, but I do not have it in me to go through situationships. My heart is too tender. God made me capable of loving so deeply, and I don’t believe He would make me this way without designing a person for me to love, someone who is capable of loving me the same way in return. It’s just taking a long time to find.

I want a man who isn’t afraid to show he cares – someone who isn’t afraid to tell me that he is having a hard time not texting me so I can sleep. I recently started following an Instagram account, MyDarlingLoveLetters, and it’s a guy who shares letters that his grandma and grandpa wrote to each other after meeting for one hour. They fell in love through letters while he was deployed during the war. On their second meeting, they got married. The letters are so sweet and show how love can be magical. You might think I’m naive, but I think it still exists, and if I’m willing to be the person who invests in magical love, there has to be a compatible man out there looking for the same.

Choosing Openness Without Losing Myself

Andy has broken my heart so badly that I wanted to close myself off to romance. I tend to close my heart off to avoid this pain. My mom kept trying to encourage me and told me that it was not the right way. That I opened up, and those feelings of being alive again, having hope, and being motivated again were worth it. I have been trying very hard to move on. I can’t make Andy want to date me, and I don’t want someone who doesn’t see my worth.

After weeks of not hearing from Andy, I checked out Hinge, and the few guys I matched with had the typical, basic conversations that are so annoying. One guy will message occasionally, but hasn’t asked me out. That is the story of my life. Another guy asked what I was looking for, and I said, “I’m looking for a partner who is consistent and someone that I can enjoy life with.” I asked what he’s looking for, and he said, “Honestly, nothing serious.” This is so typical. I replied with, “Thanks for the heads up! I think we’re looking for different things. Best of luck!” He said, “Damn you’re too cute.” This is modern dating.

Just before I left for my motorcycle trip, I went to a happy hour for singles with Jigsaw. A guy came up to me and looked at my name tag and said, “Chris and Christy?! It’s meant to be!” He proceeded to word vomit for five minutes and tell me his life story and how his fiancé left him without even a note to say goodbye. He is 32 years old and just kept going on and on. I just nodded my head and listened. Then he asked me, “So what about you? Tell me about yourself.”

I think I got one sentence out about living in LA, and then he went on about how he’s been to LA with his mom and sister. Then he suddenly asked me, “How tall are you?” He was probably around 6’2”. I said that I am 6’1”. He looked down at my shoes (everyone does this because they think I’ll taller than 6’1” and wonder if it’s my shoes). He saw that I was wearing flats and looked surprised. He said, “Just so you know, I’m ok with that.” He looked around the room as if the other men (who were mostly shorter than me) wouldn’t be okay with that. He continued, “Actually I think it’s pretty badass.”

Chris asked me if I would be interested in getting a coffee or a drink sometime soon, and I explained that I was about to embark on a month-long motorcycle trip. He looked pissed off and said, “You came to a singles night even though you’re about to leave for a month?” I said, “Yes.” He sighed and said, “Okay, well, let’s stay in touch while you’re gone and go out when you get back.”

I gave him my phone number because I have a hard time rejecting people. When I left the mixer, Chris was sad that I was leaving already and hugged me. The next day, he texted me. I texted back, explaining that I didn’t feel a romantic connection, but I wished him well in the future. He thanked me for letting him know. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to tell someone they’re not interested. Sure, it can be a challenge in person, but there is no excuse not to tell someone at least by text. If it’s someone you actually dated, it shouldn’t be that hard in person. Even though it can be hard to hurt someone’s feelings, I refuse to participate in the ghosting culture.

A couple of months ago, a reader commented on my post about dating in Whistler. She is newly single and was experiencing similar things that I have experienced in dating. I wanted to encourage her, and I replied to her comment, letting her know that I was talking with someone who was an Airbnb guest, so you never know how or when you can meet someone. She recently replied to my comment with such enthusiasm for my success that it will be hard to tell her that it didn’t work out after all.

Lessons From Words on a Screen

I don’t want to fall into a negative trap of feeling discouraged about dating. I am doing my best to stay hopeful.

I am trying to open my heart to possibilities for future men so that I can find my person. The truth is that it’s hard. Some days I still cry. I cry for the loss of a person I really liked and felt a strong connection to. I miss Andy’s messages and emails. Sometimes I wish I had never replied to his first message because the pain is too much. At other times, I try to remind myself that it was worth it to help me feel motivated about dating again. I believe that my person is out there somewhere. Andy is not the type of man that I would usually go for. In fact, if it weren’t for Airbnb, I don’t think we’d ever have met. I want to remain open-minded about men in the future.

I am trying to remember the lessons that I can learn from this. Do I wish I had done some things differently? Yes.

There’s a song called “I didn’t know that I needed you” by Nightly. I’ve had a lot of time to think about all of this during the motorcycle trip. One thing I’ve realized – this whole thing with Andy hurt so bad because I didn’t know that I needed a partner. But now I know that I want a partner, and I need to be willing to put in effort to date and meet men. I don’t have a hard time connecting with men, but too often, I’m their emotional support without actually being the girlfriend (or getting any of the girlfriend benefits). I need to be better at letting go of men who don’t want a romantic relationship, so I can put that energy towards finding my person.

Because of Andy.(last name), I learned that I can fall for someone through words on a screen—and that I need actions to match them.

Thank you for reading and for letting me share something so personal. If you’ve ever fallen for someone through words—or been hurt by silence—I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Writing helps me make sense of experiences like this, and I hope it reminds someone else that they’re not alone.

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