I spent the morning researching what to do in Cairns for the next few days. It was overwhelming and took me hours. There were so many possibilities between visiting the rainforest, the famous railway, and diving. I mean, I was in the primary city for The Great Barrier Reef. I finally booked a few tours and felt satisfied with my selections. I got dressed and took an Uber to the outdoor market at the waterfront.
I walked around the swimming area where kids played in the shallow water, and people in their 20s sunbathed in the grass. The ocean was very far out because of the tide, so you can’t swim there. Instead, there is a man-made pool to swim in. The weather was beautiful – warm, but not hot.
I bought some magnesium spray and cream from a holistic booth. My back had been hurting, and I kept seeing magnesium creams for sale in Australia. I take a magnesium pill every night, so I figured I’d give the spray and cream a try. The woman at the booth was really friendly and gave me a ton of information about the products.
As I continued walking around, I saw a booth with tarot card reading. I’ve never done it before, mostly because my mom always told me it’s from the devil. When I was in college at a bar with a friend, a mysterious man said he reads palms. He read my friend’s palm and described her perfectly. He told her she’d have a husband and two children, and a beautiful life. It’s been almost 20 years, and she has a husband, three children, and a beautiful life.
When it was my turn, the mysterious man described me as having deep sadness. Then he described more positive parts about me, but then again said that I have a deeply seeded sadness. Then he abruptly finished. I asked about my future, and he said, “Oh, we don’t do that.” Confused because he just told my friend her future, I asked why he wouldn’t do mine. He refused and left.
I’ve never forgotten that moment. I’ve read online that when someone won’t read your future, it’s because sometimes there is a bright light surrounding you. It’s a light that is considered to be from God, which makes them back off. Other articles mentioned that it could be that the light is an instruction not to tell you about our future because it could interfere with your direction.
Ever since then, I’ve been curious about what a reading would say. I’ve seen doctors in the U.S. who do body energy work (like Applied Kinesiology), and a few mentioned that sadness and grief kept coming up. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I decided that I wanted to see what this tarot card reader would say. I kept seeing booths all over Australia at festivals and markets, so I figured, why not? I paid $30 for a 15-minute card reading. I figured it was just cards and should be fine, but just in case, I said a prayer to myself beforehand for God to protect me if this was, in fact, from the devil.
I sat in the chair, and the woman had me shuffle the cards and then pick seven cards. She told me that I have incredibly high expectations of myself and a romantic partner. I have doubts that I’ll ever find the man I want in a relationship. I have trust issues and am always waiting to be betrayed. But that man does exist, and if I’m not open to him, I will miss the opportunity. She also said I have too high of expectations of myself and don’t accept myself. I dislike my weight, which makes me feel like I’m not enough.
The woman went on to say I am a good teacher and can be inspirational. I need to get to nature and work on expressing myself without the fear of what people think. I’m a people-pleaser, which is making me not “speak my truth.” Then a card came up about sorrow. She looked sad and said, “You have a lot of despair and emptiness.” Before it was all finished, she told me that I am in a transition year and things are changing. I need to stop thinking negatively because that’s what will come my way.
As soon as I left the woman, I saw that I had a comment on a Facebook post, and I went to reply to it. I tried to type the word “from,” and what popped up on the autocorrect was “demon.” It freaked me out! I know the Bible talks about not doing any sort of witchcraft or sorcery. I felt like that was a warning, and I decided not to do anything like that ever again.
I continued walking around, and there was a food and wine festival nearby. I paid $10 and walked inside the fence. Tables were serving various wines and other alcoholic drinks and lots of different types of food. The place was indoor and outdoor, had live music, a DJ, and yard games. The views of the harbor and mountains were incredible and reminded me of Hawaii. I hadn’t eaten all day, so I got a cheese platter and some wine. Next, I wandered to another section and got some sushi.
I walked around, occasionally sitting down to eat something. Most women were dressed up in sundresses, and the men were in clothes that made them look like they were on a yacht. They were mostly in their late 20s and 30s. Some were at tables while others were lounging on the grass. There were groups of women, couples, and groups with men and women. And I was alone. It’s times like that make me feel very alone and isolated. If I were in California at this event, I would be with my friends. We’d be having a great time catching up, drinking, and eating. Maybe it felt so strange because I had spent a couple of months in the outback, where it is very different.
I couldn’t help but feel like an outsider. I was not only alone; I was bored. They were all having a great time, but it felt so routine. It felt so American. This is what you do in your 30s – you drink wine. Don’t get me wrong; I love drinking wine with my girlfriends. I just couldn’t help but see all these people as carbon copies of each other. And I didn’t belong.
After two hours there, I left and bought a scoop of ice cream. I ate it outside while watching the sunset. The tide was slowly moving towards the beach, and people were out walking. I walked along the esplanade and then went to the night market. It reminded me of my time in Asia because they always had a night market there.
As I browsed the stalls, a man asked if I wanted a massage. My back was hurting, so I signed up for a 40-minute full-body massage. He started by having me sit in a chair in the open while he spent 10 minutes on my feet and legs. Next, we went into a curtained area, and he told me to remove my shirt and bra. I did as instructed, and he massaged my back using oil. It wasn’t a Thai massage, but he was interactive. At one point, I’m pretty sure he was kneeling on the table over me. I didn’t care because it felt good.
Once the massage was finished, I walked around some more and ate some food. I kept trying my hardest to be distracted, but souvenirs just don’t appeal to me much anymore. I felt so alone. I watched everyone shop and talk to their family or significant other. I would have done the same thing in the U.S. if I had someone with me.
I left the night market and walked around on the esplanade (carrying some beer in a box that I purchased). Sometimes I feel like I’m in the Matrix. A few days prior, I saw a video of a woman from the 1950s who did LSD as a science experiment. She was a beautiful housewife, and this was when they were testing it for medical purposes. She said she saw things in Technicolor and was so blown away by everything. She saw a curtain of what she described as almost like a computer code floating through the air.
I was fascinated by the video. I’ve never done LSD, but what if it unlocks our brains? We know so little about our minds, and we barely use it to its capacity. I don’t plan on doing LSD because I also know that if your thoughts aren’t optimistic, you can have a bad trip that can forever impair your brain. No thanks.
I couldn’t help but think about what the point of life is. I think about the cultures thousands of years ago. They lived in such a basic way and mostly cared about spending time with each other. Of course, there was also the horrible treatment of people, murders, and unsanitary conditions. But our lives now are so different than all of the previous human being who lived more than 200 years ago. They didn’t have running water, electricity, cars, air conditioning, airplanes, TVs, smartphones, instant news, etc.
I read somewhere that the information we have now is astronomically more than any other generation. Think about it – even before the internet, we could look up information in the library. Now, we can find out anything we want with one quick search. Most humans who lived before us only received information from their local community. Many couldn’t read or write.
I have such a hard time realizing that the time we’re living in right now is entirely different. Most generations had small changes over a long time, but none compare to what we’re living in. We have advanced so quickly that I don’t think we know how to cope with it. Our standard of living all over the world is incredibly high.
When I think about the people eating, drinking, and lounging in the grass at this food and wine festival having fun on a Saturday, I think about how that would have been 400 years ago. It would have been kings, queens, and noblemen living that life. Now for just $10 (and the price of drinks and food), anybody can live that life. You don’t need to be from a family of great stature or nobility. I’m aware that many people in the world don’t have basic necessities, but at no other time in history have billions of people had life so good.
It’s all just too much for me sometimes. I feel isolated when I see this over and over again, all over the world. It looks like the Matrix. Everybody is doing the same thing – enjoying festivals, concerts, markets, and the beach. But what’s it all for? It can become boring doing all of these things over and over, just in different locations.
I wandered the esplanade, and the water had now reached it. It was a beautiful evening, and I wished I could enjoy it more. I don’t know why I have a sadness in me. Traveling alone and traveling the world has changed me. I can’t distract myself with things like work, working out, cleaning the house, and attending parties. I am forced to be still. I am forced to be intentional with how I spend my time. I know my money will run out eventually, so I have to choose how to spend it wisely.
I strolled along and wondered if I would have been happier if Josh were there. Maybe. I imagined us strolling the esplanade together, watching the water. The mundane is always better when you’re with someone you care about and someone you’re getting to know. When I was with my ex-husband, I often felt lonely. Maybe it’s because we’d known each other for so long and there was nothing to talk about. He just wasn’t interested in discussing topics and didn’t have many opinions.
Sometimes I worry about being in that situation again. I’m afraid of a lonely relationship. So while I think walking that esplanade with someone would be better, I still worried that maybe it would feel even worse. Perhaps I would feel trapped with a partner.
Over the last week, I had been feeling very emotional about romantic relationships. I cried many times, feeling that I will never have a partner again. I had sent a few messages to my cousin, Misty. That morning, I woke up to her message saying, “Sometimes it’s hard to stay hopeful, I know, but your optimism and romanticism are such wonderful parts of who you are.” I needed to hear that. I am usually an idealistic and overly hopeful person. I was letting myself go into a pit of despair – a place of loneliness and pessimistic perspectives. I was afraid to continue to be optimistic and romantic because it’s excruciating when it doesn’t work out.
I eventually ordered an Uber to take me back to my Airbnb. I wrote this post, hoping it would help me to feel less alone, and it did. Sometimes it’s hard to understand this world we live in, what’s it’s done to our sanity, our social life, and the stress it’s caused. Sometimes I wish I lived in simpler times.
Writing this post helped me to get my emotions out. I didn’t have anybody to talk with about how I was feeling – nobody to walk with me on the esplanade. But my readers were there with me.
Writing and bringing people along the journey has given me a purpose. It’s brought me joy to read your comments and messages. I appreciate every single person reading right now. I needed to discuss the crazy thoughts that I was having and writing provided me with that opportunity. Once I wrote all of this out, I felt better. I had another seven weeks in Australia, and I was determined to have an amazing time. I was going to see things through a positive lens again.
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